I've been sleeping at my mom's house since he left. Not every night, but a lot of nights. This morning I woke up on her couch, and thought: Where's this going? My life, I mean.
I'm 33. I'm waitressing and hardly 'making it'. I'm single (and SO NOT ready to mingle). I went on an interview last week, had hope for a few days, and ended up not getting the job. I called China last night...yes, the actual country, China, to...I don't even know anymore...help me make a product I have no money to start up. I have daily homework to complete for therapy, homework to complete for 31 Days to Flow... all time spent on 'good' things, but none of it adding up... EVER.
I feel like I'm perpetually 'Under Construction.' I feel like my life is a war zone surrounded by bright yellow caution tape and someone needs to send in the men with the masks to dig around, sort it out, and make it habitable again. I just don't know.
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I woke up this morning, poured the last cold drips of my mom's brewed coffee from hours earlier -- swirling grinds into my cup & all -- and thought, oh hell no. I took a walk to Dunkin.
On my morning stroll to hot, grindless coffee, I was deep in reflection. Each step took me further and further her into truly trying to calculate where the EFF all this going? How am I ever going to get to the family I've desperately hoped for since I was a little girl? Really. Literally -- where is the life I've been longing for? ...'cause this ain't it.
I thought about my best childhood friend & how she's expecting her first child any day now. I thought about my numerous 'teacher' friends who have stayed the course, have money saved, and are enjoying their summer off with their family. I had a vision of myself as an older lady, living in a cottage somewhere distant, not unhappy, but quiet and alone. In that vision, nobody I love was there, and all the frustration and anxiety I feel are gone, but so are the twinges of hope for a purposeful career and a family of my own. They've become a memory, a blip on the radar, long passed. Unfulfilled.
I don't know how to correct what's wrong. I don't know how to fix what's broken. I feel like I'm running in place, in circles. I'm tired & dizzy, and I've gained no ground.
That's when I got home and opened up to today's reading, Day 32: I Am Led - in Michele Cushatt's book I Am. "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go." -- ISAIAH 48 : 17
Isn't that a fascinating coincidence?! In this chapter, Michele writes:
"Isiah's promise wasn't only for the lost and wandering people of his day. God included this reassurance...so you and I, buried in our lostness and wavering allegiance...could know God's promised plan for us...A good plan. A plan that, although perhaps not exactly what we'd imagined, could not be more perfect for the overall story God's been writing from the beginning of time.
Sometimes life can feel a bit like walking through a minefield. Every day, we scan our circumstances, trying to make all the right decisions. We feel that one wrong move could cause the plan to unravel. So we tiptoe, cautious and afraid, agonizing over every move as if the future hinges on us.
The questions and unknowns twist and turn like an impossible maze. We do our best, no doubt about it. But the decisions and potential consequences never end, shaking us awake at night. If only God could overnight us a daily, step-by-step guide to knowing exactly what to do and when to do it.
Besides, where do we draw the line between submission to God's leadership and taking responsibility for our choices and actions? Personal responsibility is a noble quality. It's a good thing to make wise decisions and carefully weigh our steps. So how does this mesh with letting God lead?
Here's the deal: We don't have to have it all figured out. And we don't need to panic or worry or stay awake staring at the ceiling at night. Why? Because the pressure is on Him, not you and me...
If you and I determine to make our own way in the world to the absolute exclusion of God, then we have every reason to lose sleep. But if we keep our eyes focused on the one who holds the map and knows the way, if we ask for His leadership and search His Word for direction, we can trust He'll guide our steps.
For I know the plans I have for you, He says.
And His plans, even if different from our own, are always good."
So, I'm being led. I'm choosing to trust this this morning...'cause it DID feel like sign. So did reading this blog post on ...love Maegan this morning on struggling where she's being led & wondering what her journey thus far is all adding up to.
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What about you, reader? Do you feel lost & unsure? What do you think about being 'led'? I'd love to hear your feedback in the comments. xoxo