In a previous post about John leaving, I wrote: I really don't know how to DO this. Seeing as I've written a post about how I really need a friend like Wilson (the volleyball in Castaway), it's safe to say I'm trying to come up with ANYTHING I can think of to "DO this".
Do what? you ask... THIS! Being on my own, with myself. Not having anybody, and not BEING anybody's.
When I recounted to my therapist how my emotional break-down/panic attack enfolded the night John packed his things and tried to move out, she mentioned the word 'codependency.'
The idea that I was codependent on John hadn't even entered my mind, but after doing some research and looking into it, that was exactly what I was - codependent on his being there... and that's exactly what I've been! Codependent on my parents, on my sister, on my teachers, on my therapists, on bosses, on coworkers (okay, I might be mixing up CO-dependent with just plain ol' DEpendent in some of those examples) ...but what I realized was I have never (like EVER) really stood on my own two feet and made firm, executive decisions about my life. I've always leaned on somebody else, and greatly factored in their thoughts/opinions on the matter.
Did you know that there are CoDA meetings? ...that there is such a thing in this world as Co-Dependents Anonymous? ...and that you can attend weekly meetings (that are FREE!) to exchange with other people codependency 'war' stories? Yeah, well there are. ...and I went.
If you're a frequent listener of my podcast or have heard either of the two mental health themed episodes, you would have heard me reference this quote by author, speaker, cancer survivor Michele Cushatt:
"A tree was never meant to be anchored to itself. The secret strength of a tree is that it has to wrap its roots around something that is bigger, wider, stronger than itself.
We, as humans, wrap our roots and identity around ourselves: our talents, around our relationships, around our appearance, around our career, around our work & efforts...and the reality is: that will work for a time, but the minute a storm comes, the minute something happens, the minute the wind blows, it will knock us down every time...because we were never meant to be rooted to ourselves, but rather something bigger, stronger, wider, & more vast than we are. That's the only way you and I are going to stand.
IF YOU CAN LOSE IT, IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE."
The whole reason I started reading her book I Am is because I so resonated with that quote above that Michele said during a podcast interview (not my podcast).
I think on this quote in terms of where I am right now. In terms of the codependent tendencies I tend to rely on to 'hold me up' and define who I am and what I should be doing.
I need to learn to be okay waking up to just me, to rely only on myself to relieve my anxiety and calm my fears, to anchor myself to something BIGGER, WIDER, STRONGER -- and the sky reminds me of what that is. I haven't quite grasped the abstract nature of what it is, but the secret's in the sky, hints are in the horizon. So my face is titled up to take it in...
...who am I if I'm not his? I am His, a lot of people say, it's just hard for me to fully understand what that means, but I'm trying. And the sky is helping.